Whether you’re at the playground, in a store, or navigating the daily routines at home, there’s a common parenting moment nearly every caregiver can relate to: trying to get your child to listen— and being met with anything but cooperation.
A familiar example might sound like this: “It’s time to go home! Do you want to put on your jacket? Let’s get ready to go!”
Your child giggles and runs the other way. You try again, more urgently: “C’mon. It’s time to go. I really want you to put on your coat. Let’s get to the car already!”
Suddenly, you’re in a standoff. You’re running late. Your child is still playing. Frustration mounts, and before you know it, you’re either promising candy or threatening to withhold the tablet. It’s understandable— no parent enjoys being ignored or pushed to the limit. But while bribes and threats may offer a short-term fix, they often come at the cost of long-term cooperation and connection.
There is, however, a better way to boost cooperation: delivering clear, effective instructions through five key steps:
- Use Direct (Not Indirect) Language
- Give One Instruction at a Time
- Be Specific, Not Vague
- Tell Them What to Do, Not What Not to Do
- Praise Kids When They Listen
While no approach can guarantee perfect listening every time (children are still learning and developing, after all), these evidence-based strategies can significantly increase your child’s ability to listen and respond while reducing conflict, frustration, and power struggles.
Use Direct (Not Indirect) Language
As parents, it’s natural to want to sound polite and respectful. Often, this leads to phrasing requests as questions or soft suggestions, like: “Do you want to put on your shoes?” or “Let’s clean up the toys,” or even “How about you sit down now?”
While these may feel gentle, young children often interpret them as optional. When something sounds like a choice, they may choose not to follow through— especially if they’re enjoying what they’re doing.
Instead, use confident and clear statements:
- “Please put on your shoes.”
- “Clean up the toys now.”
- “Sit next to me.”
You don’t need to raise your voice or sound stern. Clear instructions actually help reduce stress for children because they know exactly what is expected. Just like adults prefer clarity in communication, children feel safer and more secure when instructions are straightforward and kind.
Give One Instruction at a Time
Multitasking is difficult, even for many adults— imagine how it feels for a young child still developing their memory and focus skills. When it comes to routines with a lot of steps, like getting ready for bed, children may have a hard time remembering all of the steps. Giving multiple instructions all at once, such as: “Brush your teeth, put on pajamas, and then pick a book for bedtime,” can leave children feeling overwhelmed or confused.
Instead, try slowing down and breaking tasks into individual steps:
- “First, brush your teeth. Let me know when you’re done.”
- “Great! Now put on your pajamas.”
- “Okay, time to pick a book.”
This method also offers natural moments to praise cooperation along the way. You might say, “You brushed your teeth just like I asked—thank you!” which reinforces the behavior and encourages follow-through on the next step. For children with learning differences, this approach is especially helpful and can prevent frustration or shutdowns.
Be Specific, Not Vague
Children aren’t mind readers. Telling them to “be good” or “behave” assumes they know exactly what that means in every context. Specific guidance provides a roadmap for success.
| Instead of this… | Try this! |
| “Let’s be safe by the road.” | “Please hold my hand while we cross the street” |
| “Be good at Grandma’s” | “Use a quiet voice and keep your hands to yourself at Grandma’s” |
| “Remember your manners.” | “Don’t forget to say please and thank you.” |
This not only reduces misbehavior, but it increases the child’s sense of competence. When children know exactly what’s expected, they’re more likely to meet those expectations, and more importantly, feel good about doing so. As a parent it can be helpful to pause and ask yourself: “If I were hearing this instruction for the first time, would I know exactly what to do?”
Tell Them What to Do, Not What Not to Do
When we say “Don’t run,” the brain still has to figure out the alternative. In the heat of the moment, children may not know what behavior to switch to. That’s why positively stated instructions are so effective.
| Instead of this… | Try this! |
| “Stop running!” | “Walk, please” |
| “Don’t hit your brother!” | “Use gentle hands” |
| “Quit messing around!” | “Sit down with your toys.” |
When you tell your child what to do, you’re offering a solution and setting them up for success. It also shifts the emotional tone away from criticism and toward cooperation. Over time, children internalize these positive phrases and begin to self-direct their behavior more effectively.
Additionally, positive phrasing supports emotional development by reinforcing that the child is not “bad,” they just need redirection. This distinction helps preserve self-esteem, even when correction is needed.
Praise Kids When They Listen
Positive reinforcement through praise is one of the most powerful parenting tools available— and it’s completely free! When children are acknowledged for listening or following through, they’re far more likely to repeat that behavior.
Examples of praise include:
- “Thank you for putting on your shoes right away.”
- “I love how you came over when I asked you to clean up.”
- “That was amazing listening.”
Some parents wonder if this is “too much” praise or if it rewards children for doing what they should already be doing. But research consistently shows that specific, genuine praise helps reinforce good behavior, improves parent-child relationships, and builds emotional resilience.
Even older kids and teens appreciate being recognized. The language may shift to something more age appropriate, like: “Thanks for helping out without being asked” but the impact remains strong. It communicates respect, trust, and appreciation— which fuels continued cooperation.
Find More Connection with Less Struggle
No parenting strategy guarantees perfect listening every time— children are still growing, experimenting, and learning how to navigate the world. But with a few intentional shifts, you can reduce power struggles and increase harmony in your home.
Using direct, specific, and positively framed instructions allows your child to feel more confident, capable, and secure.
When you follow those instructions with meaningful praise, you build a culture of trust and collaboration, not control.
Most importantly, this approach strengthens the bond between you and your child. Instead of battles over who’s in charge, your family becomes a team working toward shared goals. That doesn’t mean things will always go smoothly—but it means you’ll be equipped with tools that build cooperation rather than conflict.
Remember: your voice is powerful. When you use it clearly and calmly, you teach your child not just to listen— but how to communicate with kindness and respect. The key thing to remember is that this process takes repetition and consistency to help you and your child build better habits. If you feel you need more support in building these types of skills, a child psychologist specializing in behavioral challenges and parenting techniques can help you put these steps into practice and improve your relationship with your child.
