It’s a chaotic morning, but don’t all days seem to start this way? The clock must be lying to you… surely there are more than five minutes left to get everyone out the door! You’re running around, throwing snacks into backpacks, and desperately waiting for your own cup of coffee to finish brewing. Meanwhile, you’re mentally running through the schedule for the day to see if there are any special activities to plan for, and shouting down the hall for your kids to get through their morning tasks. “Shoes, coats, please!! How many times do I have to ask?! We do this every day!” And you wonder, how could you possibly make these mornings easier for you and your children?
If these sound like your mornings, you’re certainly not alone! You’re probably wondering if there are ways that you can make situations like this easier, but how? There are many different parenting strategies that you can use to help establish routines, improve behaviors, and strengthen the bond between you and your child. One of these strategies is positive reinforcement, which can be a valuable tool if you’re looking to create behavioral changes in your children that can last.
Types of Reinforcement
So, what is reinforcement, anyway? The word reinforcement is a concept in psychology which has a goal to increase the frequency of a behavior. For
example, you may want to encourage your child to complete chores independently, use a calm tone of voice, keep their hands to themself, or share their toys more often. Reinforcement is a strategy that can be used to increase these and other desirable behaviors.
There are two types of reinforcement: positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. Admittedly, these definitions can get confusing! You might hear the word “positive” and think that something is good, or hear “negative” and think it is bad, but these terms have a more specific meaning in psychology.
Positive Reinforcement: adding something to increase the frequency of a behavior
Negative Reinforcement: removing something to increase the frequency of a behavior.
Reinforcement is one of the most powerful tools we have in cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) to drive behavioral changes. This strategy helps your child understand what behaviors you want to see more of, and it makes it more likely that they will perform those same behaviors again in the future. It’s important to understand that reinforcement is different from punishment. Reinforcement is used to increase a behavior, while punishment is a different strategy that attempts to decrease a behavior. The chart below can help you better understand the difference between these definitions:
| Punishment | Reinforcement | |
| Positive | Adding something. Goal is to reduce a behavior | Adding something. Goal is to increase a behavior. |
| Negative | Removing something. Goal is to reduce a behavior. | Removing something. Goal is to increase a behavior. |
Understanding Positive Reinforcement
Remember, positive reinforcement is when you add something to help increase the frequency of a behavior you want to see. For example, if your child sits down to do their homework the first time you ask, your response would be an immediate delivery of reinforcement, such as offering praise or a token.
Some parents might think of a token or a reward as a type of bribe. However, it is an effective way to help build the habits you want to see in your child. Even as adults, sometimes we need something small to help motivate us to complete our daily tasks! In children, especially younger children, a sense of internal motivation hasn’t fully developed yet. So, offering extrinsic motivation in this form can be an effective way to help your child learn and build healthy habits while their sense of independence is still developing.
Sometimes, we simply do things because they have become a habit, or because we have the mental planning and organizational skills to know what has to get done and how. However, these areas of the brain are still developing in our children, so we have to help them out. We can reinforce their participation in behaviors we want to see more of so that they can practice the behavior and turn it into a habit. Eventually, when the habit is established, we can fade the reinforcement away. It’s not a bribe, and it’s not forever!
Understanding Negative Reinforcement
Remember, negative reinforcement means taking something away to increase the frequency of a desirable behavior. Think of getting into a car and hearing the annoying beep…beep…beep of the seatbelt indicator. Buckling your seatbelt (desirable behavior) silences the beeping sound (taking something away). Over time, you are building the habit to buckle your seatbelt, even before the nagging beeps kick in!
We can use these principles with our children, as well. A common example is parental nagging. If you nag your child to clean their room, your nagging will stop (taking something away) once they clean their room (desirable behavior).
Generally speaking, try to focus on positive reinforcement! It helps keep situations between you and your children more amicable and can help you strengthen the bond you have with your child.
Types of Positive Reinforcement
There are different types of positive reinforcement. Some of the common ones in this category are:
- Labeled Praise: Offering verbal support for a specific behavior
- Daily Rewards + Privileges: Small motivators that can be given out more frequently for day-to-day tasks (e.g. a few extra minutes of screen time, playing a game after dinner, choosing the songs that play on a short car ride, a piece of candy)
- Special Rewards + Privileges: Bigger motivators that can be given in response to progress over a longer period of time (e.g. going bowling on the weekend, an allowance)
- Your Attention: Your attention and approval are meaningful reinforcers to your children. In a time crunch, a quick smile or nod of approval can also go a long way!
Using Positive Reinforcement and Negative Reinforcement
As you are building your reinforcement muscles, it may be useful to start small. Pick a behavior that you want to focus on, plan the type of reinforcement you will use to encourage it, and watch for an increase in the desirable behavior over time.
With reinforcement, consistency is key! Reinforcement is most effective when it is delivered immediately following a behavior you like and want to see more of. It’s also important for both parents to be united in their approach to reinforcement in order to send a consistent message. Try to offer reinforcement every time, especially early on, to help your child develop good habits. For example, if you want your child to assume responsibility for putting their lunchbox in their backpack each morning, you might praise them every day for this behavior. Then, if they complete this behavior every morning of the week, reward them with a weekend prize, like allowing them to pick the movie for family night.
Focus on doing what feels feasible. It’s okay to focus on just offering labeled praise. You aren’t obligated to make a sticker chart to track every behavior! Also, remember to offer kindness and grace to yourself. If you miss a few praise-worthy moments, you won’t be starting from square one. You are aiming for progress, not perfection.
Additional Strategies and Support
A little reinforcement can go a long way for a lot of kids, and it’s understandable that some kids may need additional support to promote positive behaviors. In addition to positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement, you can also adjust how you deliver instructions to make sure the steps are clear and easy for your child to understand.
Offering positive reinforcement immediately after your child performs a desirable behavior is a good start. But for those days when your child doesn’t seem to be listening and things just aren’t going as planned, remember to pick your battles. Not every moment has to be a teachable moment, and sometimes it’s okay to let things go and revisit them when your child is in a better emotional and mental state.
If you feel like you’ve tried everything and still aren’t seeing changes, then it may be time to seek professional support from a child CBT psychologist. This type of therapist can work with you to help develop customized strategies to support you and your child’s specific needs. With time, consistent practice, and additional support you can learn how to effectively reinforce your child’s behaviors. If you are interested in learning more about how a CBT psychologist can help, contact us to learn more and take the next step in supporting your child.
