As the parent of a young child or teen, you may feel like it’s hard to get your child to do what needs to be done. You want to practice effective parenting, but it’s never easy, and it’s always a battle. Your child wakes up in the morning and asks for five more minutes of sleep. They forgot to pack their bookbag and their homework is spread out across the dining room table. They come home from school and argue with their siblings, with sharing completely off the table and broken crayons flying. And, pretty please, can they just get ten more minutes of screen time? Just one more video?
When everything feels like a battle, it can be hard to decide which ones are worth fighting, but picking your battles is an important part of effective parenting. When should you stand your ground? When should you let something go? Questions like these can come up daily. When you’re trying to decide how to handle the situation, there are a few key factors you can keep in mind:
- Determine Non-Negotiables
- Practice Consistency
- Consider Energy Levels
- Choose the Right Moment
- Be Prepared to Follow Through
- Show Kindness to Your Child & Yourself
When you feel it’s time to set and reinforce a clear expectation of your child, all of these factors are important to consider. Each of these tips can help you decide what to enforce, when to enforce it, and how.
Determine Non-Negotiables
Some battles may be non-negotiable, especially if they impact your child’s safety. For example, battles to remain buckled in a car seat, not hit siblings, or wear a helmet while bike riding are situations in which it is important to stand your ground. As a parent, only you can determine what else may be a non-negotiable behavior for your child. Consider what values your family has to help you decide what else you might put in this category. Other examples, like name-calling between siblings, might be a firm non-negotiable for some families, or something that other families may choose to let go.
Practice Consistency
No child likes to be told no, or to be reprimanded, and when kids feel like they aren’t “getting their way” it’s not unusual that they’ll have something to say about it! This is especially true in younger children, but all part of the process and to be expected. When you set new rules and limits, you may even notice an escalation in tantruming behaviors. This is called an extinction burst.
The key to resolving this is time and patience. It’s important to remain firm and consistent with your requests and how you follow through. Letting up on your enforcement or “giving in” to the object or privilege of their desire will send the wrong message and can cause the behaviors to continue to worsen. When you maintain consistency with your child, eventually they will learn that tantruming is not an effective strategy for their needs to be met and the behavior will be reduced. When parenting as a team, it’s important that you and your partner create a united front for effective parenting so that you can be consistent in sending the same messages.
Consider Energy Levels
You may be trying to implement a new routine for your child or reinforce other positive behaviors. You know that progress takes time and consistency, and for the most part things have stayed on track, but then you come upon a day when your child is having an exceptionally difficult time following instructions. Consider what factors may be contributing to your child’s behavior. Go through a mental checklist and ask yourself, “Is my child…”
- Tired?
- Hungry?
- Overheated?
- Overstimulated?
When your child is experiencing one of these feelings it can result in reduced energy and an irritable mood. In these moments, your child’s self-regulatory skills are not operating on all cylinders (i.e. they are not able to perform as their most effective self). It may not be a battle worth choosing at that time.
To give your child the best opportunity for success, consider letting battles go if your child is already having a tough time. However, if you find yourself consistently letting battles go due to these factors, it may be time to go back to the drawing board. For example, if your child is always tired and this contributes to poor mood regulation and daily battles, perhaps start with addressing their sleep hygiene to help manage the root cause of repeated challenges.
Choose the Right Moment
Picture this: you’ve had a hard day at work, spent the drive home stuck in traffic, someone forgot to pick up dinner, and everyone wants your attention the minute you walk in the door. Pretty overwhelming, right? You’re probably feeling frustrated and might make a snappy comment to someone. Then in response, that person decides to firmly make a point about how your words were hurtful. Even though that’s true, it can be hard to take the feedback when you’re already so stressed out.
Now, consider how your child would feel in a similar situation. When your child is already crying and frustrated from an argument with their friend, and then starts to act unkindly to their sibling, that isn’t an ideal time to teach a lesson. You may have the world’s greatest speech prepared to help you make your point, but will your message really get through to them in the moment? Educating them on the importance of sharing, or any other life lesson, is better taught when your child has calmed down. An effective parenting strategy is to wait until your child is in a better headspace so that you can more easily share your perspective and help get your point across.
Be Prepared to Follow Through
Paying attention to the time and place is a critical part of picking your battles! Maybe you’re in a situation where your child won’t put on a scarf, but you have to leave the house soon to make sure all of your kids get to school on time. Or, maybe you’re at the park and trying to get your child’s attention, but in that place of high-activity they’re just too focused on playing with their friends.
If you present a command, you should be prepared to either provide a reward or offer praise to promote positive behaviors, or deliver a consequence if the expectation is not met. Depending on the time and place, that follow-through may not always be realistic, and picking that battle may not be worth it. In those situations you can also practice strategies to make your language clear, which can help increase the likelihood of expectations being met.
Show Kindness to Your Child & Yourself
Remember, being firm does not exclude being kind! You can still provide warmth and a calm demeanor to your child in these moments. You can validate your child’s feelings and stay present with them, even if they are dysregulated. If you notice yourself feeling very frustrated in the moment, it could be a good idea to take a minute to step back, assess the situation, and decide on an approach that is firm, but kind. Giving yourself a moment to pause can
help you access your wise mind and take a balanced approach. This allows you to deliver the message in a way that you truly want to, and not in a way that is driven by frustration.
It’s also important to give yourself grace and remember that you are only human, and a parent trying their best. Situations do not always unfold how we want or expect them to, and sometimes circumstances arise that may get in the way of you carrying out a situation the way you wanted to. This is a normal part of parenting! Remember to be kind with yourself, and know that another opportunity to use skills will present itself again.
Questions to Keep in Mind
Parenting is not a war, and it’s not about winning each battle— it is a long haul, and a strong relationship is built on finding opportunities for connection through effective parenting. Your child will remember the lessons you teach them the majority of the time, even if you occasionally decide to let things go. If you find yourself in a situation where you want to enforce a rule or teach a lesson, ask yourself the following first:
- Is this a non-negotiable (e.g. safety concern)?
- Have I considered the time and place?
- Will my child be receptive to what I have to say?
- Am I in a calm enough state to express what I want, and how I want it?
Taking a moment to ask yourself these questions and weigh your options before jumping into battle-mode can help you take an effective parenting approach.
If you feel you’ve already tried everything and just aren’t making the progress you want to see, it may be time to seek professional support to help bolster your parenting skills and create a comprehensive toolkit of strategies you can turn to when you need them. Working with a child psychologist who specializes in behavioral challenges and parenting techniques can help you put these steps into practice and improve your relationship with your child. If you’re interested in learning how you can take an effective parenting approach, contact us to learn how we can help and meet the needs of your family.
