In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) there are a number of core skill modules, one of which is Interpersonal Effectiveness. This set of skills focuses on strategies to improve conflict resolution, clearly communicate needs, and strengthen relationships. One of these, the DBT FAST skill, is particularly helpful to foster and improve your sense of self-respect. It centers around feeling positively about yourself at the end of a potentially challenging interaction with someone by being mindful of how you are acting and sticking to your values.
How the DBT FAST Skill Can Help
You will find yourself in challenging social situations at points in your life, as we all do. This can look like falling prey to peer pressure and doing something that doesn’t align with your morals or beliefs. Or, you may find that you are so focused on your own wants and desires that you end up dismissing the needs of others and not considering what is fair or kind to them. Scenarios like these have the potential to erode your feeling of self-respect. The DBT FAST skill can be used as a helpful guideline to remind you of what factors you should consider before asking for something or saying no to others.
Understanding the DBT FAST Skill
The FAST skill is an acronym that outlines four key tips to keep in mind when you are handling a challenging interaction. To help you maintain your self-respect and make you more likely to finish the interaction feeling positively about yourself and your conduct, remember to:
- (be) Fair
- (no) Apologies
- Stick to Values
- (be) Truthful
You can reference these reminders as a sort of mental checklist for your interactions with others while advocating for yourself. Keeping these tips in mind can help you better advocate for yourself and clearly communicate your needs while still being kind and considerate to the other person.
1. Be Fair
It’s important to be fair to yourself and also still consider the feelings of the other person in the interaction. This means validating and acknowledging your own feelings, wants, and desires, while also being able to acknowledge what the other person is feeling.
If you are typically a “people pleaser” and dismiss or ignore your own needs, this is your cue to consider what would feel fair to you, rather than putting someone else’s desires before your own by default. On the other hand, if you typically jump to focusing on your own needs before considering someone else’s, this is your cue to stop and think about what the other person’s perspective might be. Disregarding the feelings and needs of others in order to get what you want can lead to feelings of guilt or shame and potentially harm your relationship with them
There are a number of different factors that can influence what we perceive as fair or unfair. Our culture, family upbringing, gender norms, and other social and communal dynamics all have the potential to impact how we understand the nuances of interactions. This is not to say that we shouldn’t honor and care for community or family needs, especially when those are essential values to us. However, it’s important to be mindful of whether we are also being fair to ourselves in these exchanges and consider how those decisions and interactions impact our self-respect.
2. No Apologies
You do not have to apologize for having a different opinion or view than another person. You also do not have to apologize for saying no, making a request, for things outside of your control, or simply for being you. If you are asking someone for something, that’s okay! An apology before making a request, like “I’m sorry for this, but can you…” has the potential to make you appear less confident or less credible.
Apologies like this also send a message to your brain that reinforces the idea you are doing something wrong by making a request. Overapologizing can lower your self-esteem and can also invalidate your own needs or opinions. It’s important to validate how you are feeling and leave space for your own emotions.
Of course if you do make a mistake, act hurtfully toward others or treat them in a way that doesn’t align with your morals, it’s important to apologize and work to repair any damage that may have been done. If you tend to be an “overapologizer” focus on offering a single, honest apology for your mistake versus repeatedly saying sorry.
3. Stick to Values
A key guiding principle of the DBT FAST skill is to act in a way that feels true to you. When you are in your Wise Mind you can more clearly identify what your values are. Values are what matter to you and what you define as meaningful and important. This is similar to the idea of a moral compass, guiding you toward how you want to live your life. A value could take the form of compassion for others, striving to gain knowledge, maintaining strong friendships, or any other number of things you prioritize as important principles you want to live your life by.
This step reminds you to act intentionally in a way that aligns with your own values and opinions. It encourages you to not “sell out” or cave under pressure, which might lead you to act in a way that betrays your morals or beliefs, which can diminish self-respect. If something is not in line with your values, you can acknowledge that and may ultimately decide to not engage in order to maintain your self-respect.
4. Be Truthful
The last letter in this DBT FAST skill acronym is a reminder to be honest rather than make up excuses or exaggerate something. Acting in this way can damage your credibility and reduce your self-respect over time.
Being honest with your friends and loved ones about what is important to you and how you are feeling can increase your self-respect and validate that
your needs are important. For example, if you had prior plans with a close friend but need to cancel due to feelings of burn out, instead of making an excuse about having a family emergency or giving a vague reason, try being authentic and let them know the reason you can’t make the plans.
For example: “I’m feeling super worn out this week and really need some time to care for myself, so unfortunately I won’t be able to come out tonight. Hanging out with you is important to me and I’d love to for another weekend.”
Dishonesty over time can have a negative impact on your self-respect and esteem. If you feel like you do have to tell a white lie or stretch the truth, it’s important to recognize this and be mindful. In other words, be aware that you are doing it, how frequently, and think about why you are doing it. Is it to spare someone’s feelings? Are you afraid of their reaction? Are you embarrassed to tell the truth? Take some time to evaluate why you aren’t being truthful and monitor the behavior to make sure that it doesn’t become a recurring habit, especially with meaningful people in your life, as this can damage the relationship and your self-respect.
Practicing the DBT FAST Skill
The DBT FAST skill is just one of many tools learned in DBT therapy sessions. Different skills can be suited to different scenarios, and practicing these strategies can help you more effectively manage your own mood and interactions with others. DBT skills like ACCEPTS, self-soothing strategies, Radical Acceptance, and TIPP are just some of the skills that can be used to tolerate distress, build resilience, and help build a life you want to be living.
Anyone can practice DBT skills, and working with a skilled DBT psychologist can help you identify goals and start taking steps toward real change. If you want to learn more about how to take that first step, please contact us to learn how we can help.
