Using DBT’s DEAR MAN Skill to Improve Family Communication

Practicing healthy communication strategies by using a DBT skill, like DEAR MAN, is an effective way to set and enforce personal boundaries while still maintaining healthy relationships. The holiday season is a time of celebration, but it can also bring increased stress and anxiety, especially when navigating family interactions. While not every holiday gathering is filled with tension, it’s common to encounter difficult conversations or challenging dynamics with loved ones. We’re all human, and occasional interpersonal conflicts are natural. When reconnecting with family members you may not see often, these conflicts can be handled strategically so that the situation does not develop into a bigger challenge.

Common stressful interactions might look like a relative asking you to visit more often, even though you’ve let them know how busy your schedule is. Or, maybe a family friend has been asking questions about your personal life that feel intrusive or insensitive to your identity. Political debates or distressing discussions about world events can also crop up. Planning for how to manage these interactions can help protect your holiday spirit and maintain positive relationships.

Planning Ahead: Advocating for Your Needs

Defining personal boundaries or limits (knowing what you’re comfortable with and what behaviors you’re willing to accept) helps you stay calm and confident when facing challenges. Setting boundaries is crucial for preserving your emotional well-being during social engagements. A helpful strategy is to plan ahead and think about how you’ll advocate for your needs before the event. This could involve having a conversation with someone prior to the gathering to express your preferences, such as wanting to leave at a specific time, or preparing responses for any difficult discussion topics or interactions you may not be comfortable engaging in.  There are steps you can take to practice having more effective conversations while maintaining your personal boundaries. 

DEAR MAN: A DBT Tool for Effective Communication

When conflicts arise, utilizing the DEAR MAN skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can help. DEAR MAN stands for Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce, while staying Mindful, Appearing confident, and being open to Negotiation. It is a healthy communication tool designed to help you ask for what you need or say no in a way that is assertive and respectful.

Using a step-by-step approach, here’s how you can use this DBT skill to share your feelings and assert what you want using healthy communication techniques::

1. 1. Describe the situation objectively by stating just the facts: “The last few times we’ve met, political conversations have come up.”
   2. Express your feelings or opinion to help the other person understand why this matters to you: “When politics come up, I feel uncomfortable and our dinner feels more stressful for me.”
   3. Assert what you want with a clear and direct request: “I’d prefer if we could avoid discussing politics tonight.”
   4. Reinforce the positive outcome and how it would benefit everyone involved: “It would help me feel more relaxed, and I think we’d all enjoy the evening more.”

Throughout the conversation, focus on how you can effectively deliver your message using these tips:

• • Stay mindful of your goal. Ignore attacks or off topic remarks, and calmly redirect the conversation back to your “goal” or request.
  • Appear confident. Your tone of voice and level of eye contact contribute to a more effective delivery of your statements. Behaviors like looking away or murmuring when you speak can present you as less confident.
  • Be open to negotiation. For example, if someone is reluctant to avoid the topic, you could invite them to share alternative solutions to find a comfortable compromise.

Always keep your personal boundaries in mind, and if the situation becomes too overwhelming, know that it is okay to step away and excuse yourself: “If you’d like to continue discussing this, I’d appreciate it if I could step away for a bit.”

Managing Emotions and Staying Mindful

It’s natural for strong emotions like frustration or anxiety to surface during family gatherings. These feelings can sometimes lead to impulsive reactions—raising your voice, walking out, or shutting down. Mindfulness can help in these moments by allowing you to pause, collect your thoughts, and respond in a calm and thoughtful manner. You can learn more about mindfulness and other self-soothing techniques by practicing other DBT skills.

Even if things don’t go exactly as planned, advocating for yourself and setting personal boundaries will help you feel more in control and true to your values. Using tools like DEAR MAN can make a big difference in how you handle difficult interactions, leaving you feeling empowered regardless of the outcome.

Troubleshooting: Handling Strong Emotions

In difficult family situations, strong emotions like anger or worry can sometimes lead to ineffective actions, such as impulsively yelling or calling names. When we’re overwhelmed by emotions—what DBT calls being in “emotion mind“—it’s helpful to use mindfulness to slow down and think before acting. While you may not always get exactly what you want using DEAR MAN, staying mindful of your goal and repeating it as necessary, or even taking a break, can be effective. Effectiveness isn’t just about getting what you want; it’s also about using skills to navigate as best you can, avoiding behaviors that could make the situation worse, and staying in control of what you can—whether that means distracting yourself, exiting the situation, or practicing radical acceptance.

If holiday stress and anxiety is becoming overwhelming, support is available. The Center for CBT offers evidence-based care to help you navigate interpersonal conflicts and improve your overall mental well-being. Contact us to schedule an appointment and explore how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can support your mental health during the holidays and beyond.